I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
