I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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