I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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