hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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