Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
