i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
