i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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