FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
