; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
