I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
