dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
