I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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