Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
