i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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