I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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