just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
