Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
