I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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