so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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