last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize