She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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