apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
