I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
