So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
