I'm sorry my penis didn't work
time to smoke my breakfast
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
