You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
