I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Randomize