When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
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