Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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