At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize