matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
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