jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
