New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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