Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
