i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
