Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I lost the right to judge tonight
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
