I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
