i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
