Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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