Non-Jews are for practice
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
