hell yes lets make some ravioli
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize