I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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