He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
