Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
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