Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Randomize
