so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
