If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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