I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
