i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
