My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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