My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
