Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
