I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
